Solo, Secure, and Joyful: How Single People Can Thrive as They Age

7 minute read.

From saving for retirement to health and healthcare cost concerns, aging can be a challenge. Those challenges can be even greater for those who are single. Dr. Bella DePaulo knows them firsthand. A social scientist and leading expert on single life, she is what she calls, “single at heart.” In other words, she’s a single person who is living a joyful, meaningful, fulfilling, psychologically rich and authentic life. As she describes it, those who are single at heart flourish “because they are single, not in spite of being single.” And if you’re solo and reading this, guess what? You can too.

A SURGE IN SINGLEHOOD

In recent years, singlehood has become more common. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 46.4% of U.S. adults are single. To put that in perspective, that’s nearly every other adult aged 18 and up. When you look at it on a household level, roughly 29% of U.S. homes are occupied by one person. That’s up from just 13% in 1960, according to the Census Bureau. 

The rise in singlehood comes despite a general assumption that everyone wants to be in a committed romantic relationship, DePaulo notes. “That is such a strong message that is promoted so relentlessly in popular culture, in prestige publications, in everyday life, in conversations,” notes DePaulo. “It leaves people who don’t feel that way, questioning themselves and sometimes getting into romantic relationships, even marriages, because they think they should and it’s never going to work for them.”

As the number of people who are single has grown, so too has acceptance of singlehood. “When there are more people who are single, there is more resistance to being stigmatized, stereotyped and put down,” says DePaulo. Many of these people, she says are actually meant to live solo. “We live our best lives by staying single. That’s our most joyful and fulfilling life. By pushing everyone into marriage and a conventional couple life, we are standing in the way of human flourishing.”

WATCH Your Money Map: A conversation with dr. bella depaulo, author of young at heart

THE UPSIDES OF SINGLEHOOD

Singlehood has its upsides, and its downsides. But, let’s highlight the positives first. For starters, as DePaulo describes, singles have for the most part complete financial freedom. “They get to decide how to spend their money, what to spend, about how much to save,” she says. “And they’re not constrained or pressured by a romantic partner, and they are not at risk of being ruined by a romantic partner who might not have much money or might be reckless with money.”

Another upside of solo life has to do with our relationships. You might be thinking, wait, aren’t all singles lonely? That couldn’t be further from the truth, says DePaulo. “There’s a lot of research showing that single people are more likely to maintain their connections with other people, whereas there’s research showing that when couples move in together, or when they get married, they become more insular, so they don’t pay as much attention to their friends, they don’t call their parents as much,” she notes.

When a relationship is going well, that can be a good thing. But, as DePaulo points out, it becomes a real hurdle when married people lose their spouse or divorce. “They had the one, and now they have the ‘none,’” she adds.

THE ECONOMIC DISADVANTAGES OF SOLO LIVING

Many of the disadvantages of singlehood have to do with the way many federal laws and programs offer a financial leg up to those who are married and leave singles out in the cold. One example? Social Security. “I could work side by side with a married colleague,” says DePaulo. “We can be doing the same work for the same number of years. I might even be doing better work. And yet, when my married colleague dies, her benefits can go to her spouse, mine go back into the system. I can’t give my benefits to a lifelong close friend or a sibling or someone who is really important to me, and no one can give those benefits to me,” she explains.

Many single people also don’t have the benefit of splitting household bills with someone else, and, as DePaulo points out, there are workplace inequalities, too. “Sometimes married people and even sometimes cohabiting romantic partners can put their partner on a health care plan at a reduced cost,” she notes. “That’s a huge benefit that adds up to a lot of money. I can’t put a friend or anyone else, and no one else can put me on their benefits.

STAYING FINANCIALLY SECURE IN SINGLEHOOD

The financial inequalities of being single not only can put a strain on day-to-day budgeting, but also saving for retirement. In the latest study from the Alliance for Lifetime Income, 51% of women in the Peak 65® Zone said they have less than $100,000 in assets. That number jumps to 67% for single women.

While in many cases the deck is stacked against them, DePaulo says there are things singles can do to ease financial stress. As she looks ahead to her retirement years, DePaulo will plan to rely on a pension she has from her time as a professor at the University of Virginia and Social Security, as well as retirement savings, which she continually tries to boost by being ultra careful with her spending. It’s a challenge made more difficult given her location in California, where housing costs are higher than average. “I made a deal with myself that I would be careful…so I would no longer be so free to say, travel for reasons that are just for fun, rather than business-related travel that somebody else might pay for,” notes DePaulo. (She tries to tack fun weekends onto those trips.)

One of the other aspects of staying secure–financially and otherwise–as an aging single person involves staying as healthy as possible. That includes mental health, which is a top concern for women as they age. According to a recent ALI survey, 48% of women worry about making complex financial decisions due to potential cognitive decline, compared to 36% of men.

From her years studying those who are single, one of the observations DePaulo has made is that singles live more psychologically rich lives, availing themselves to more varied experiences. “I think it contributes to psychological mental health and I think that pushes back against cognitive decline,” she says.

One of the other advantages single people have is that they, as DePaulo notes, typically plan more than their coupled up counterparts. As an example, she tells the story of a young woman in England, who intends to remain “single at heart” her whole life. “She loves her own home and wants to stay in it as long as possible,” DePaulo explains. “She had renovations done to be able to have an age-friendly home…and she did this at age 33.”

3 TIPS FOR LIVING YOUR BEST SINGLE LIFE 

For those looking to live their best single lives as they age, DePaulo has three top tips:

• “Don’t be intimidated and embrace being single,” she says. There are many, many advantages to being single. By recognizing them, singles can live more joyfully.
• Take pride in being self-sufficient. As DePaulo notes, those who are part of a romantic couple often rely on a spouse to take care of day-to-day needs, like home maintenance tasks or managing finances. “People who have been single for a long time…they either know how to do everything themselves, or they know how to find people they can hire.”
• Last but not least, a favorite, and simple piece of advice: “Live your single life fully, joyfully and unapologetically,” says DePaulo.