How to Become a ‘Supercommunicator’ at Any Age

7 minute read time.

What’s important is that you become aligned so you’re moving through those types of conversations together.

According to a recent study, over half of working couples disagree with their partners on how much money they need to save in order to retire. That’s just one of the big disconnects many couples will face as they approach their retirement years. The key to navigating it all? Communicating effectively.

Charles Duhigg is a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist and author of “Supercommunicators,” his latest book, which seeks to teach people how to master the art of conversation and connection. It was inspired by a situation we all know too well: Falling into a pattern of disagreements with his spouse. “I would come home from work after a long day and start complaining. My wife would, very practically, give me some good advice,” Duhigg shares. “[But] instead of being able to hear her good advice, I would get more upset and she would get upset in turn.”

Why did this keep happening? That was the question Duhigg set out to answer in his latest book.  And what could be done to break the cycle?  As he researched, Duhigg found that there are three distinct types of conversations. If you and the person you’re talking to aren’t engaged in the same type of conversation — and he and his wife were not — “you really can’t hear each other and you really can’t connect,” he says.

UNDERSTANDING THE THREE TYPES OF CONVERSATIONS

Duhigg explains that every conversation can be classified as one of three different types:

• Practical conversations, which are about solving problems or making plans. For example, discussing your budget for the next month, or where to go on vacation.
• Emotional conversations, where you tell a person how you’re feeling and they empathize; and
• Social conversations, which are how we relate to each other or how we relate to society.

Duhigg was attempting to have an emotional conversation. In trying to help him, his wife was taking the practical route. Neither was wrong, but they didn’t mesh. “All three of these conversations are equally important,” notes Duhigg. “During a discussion you’ll probably have all three types of conversations. What’s important is that you become aligned so you’re moving through those types of conversations together.”

Getting aligned means taking time to scratch the surface and really figure out what type of conversation you’re having. For many topics – like finances and retirement – the discussion might appear to be practical but really, it’s emotional or social. “When we’re very clear on what kind of conversation we want to have and what our goal is for that conversation, then it’s much easier to have the discussion.”

TWO HACKS TO IMPROVE COMMUNICATION

In addition to agreeing on the type of conversation you’re having, Duhigg says there are framing tools couples and individuals can use to facilitate better communication. One of them is scheduling a set time to have big discussions, such as those about money, travel, or other big goals.

Another is something researchers call “looping for understanding.” It’s a tool that proves to the other person that you’re listening and involves three steps:

• Step 1: Ask a deep question.
• Step 2: After the person has answered the question, try to repeat back what you heard them say.
• Step 3: Once you’ve repeated what they said, ask if you got it right.

“What we are actually doing when we ask if we got it right, is we are asking them for their permission to acknowledge that we were listening,” says Duhigg. “Proving that we are listening…it’s really helpful and changes the tenor of the entire discussion.”

CLOSING COMMUNICATION GAPS WITH YOUR FINANCIAL PROFESSIONAL

One of the most common places people experience communication breakdowns is with their financial professionals. A recent ALI study highlighted significant communication gaps between financial professionals and their clients. For example, 98% of financial professionals say they discuss sources of protected income such as Social Security, pensions, and annuities, but only 69% of clients agree.

Duhigg explains that the significant gaps are likely due to clients’ inability to “hear” their financial professional. For example, if you head into a meeting filled with anxiety about where you are with saving for retirement, you’re probably not going to be focused on the advice your professional gives you.

Key to closing those gaps, as Duhigg explains, is finding a financial professional who prioritizes the emotional side of finances and seeks to match the type of conversation you’re looking to have. “A really good advisor will start by saying ‘Tell me about how thinking about retirement makes you feel,’” notes Duhigg.

THE TOP 3 KEYS TO BETTER COMMUNICATION AS YOU AGE

According to Duhigg, research shows that people aren’t born good communicators. While it comes easier to some, it’s a skill we can all learn. “It’s the act of thinking about communication that makes us a good communicator,” he says. “Any of us can become a communicator. When we realize we already know and use these skills, we can apply them to any situation we want to.”

If you’d like to join the ranks of the “supercommunicators” and start to have better, more productive conversations with everyone from your family members to your financial professional, Duhigg offers these three pieces of advice:

• Know yourself: When topics like money or retirement come up, how do you react – emotionally, or practically? “Self contemplation and understanding what your instinct is, what kind of conversation you want to have first about money or retirement is really important,” says Duhigg.
• Ask the other person what kind of conversation they want to have: When faced with an important conversation, be clear on the direction the other person wants it to go in. “Not only do we know our own mindset, but we ask the other person what mindset they are in,” he says.
• Ask more questions: As Duhigg explains, the goal of a conversation shouldn’t be to convince another person of something, but instead, it should be to understand each other. “If we understand each other, then no matter how much conflict or anxiety we are feeling, it’s easier to manage,” he adds.

Related content:

• Financial professionals and consumers may not be on the same page when it comes to retirement planning according to this latest study.
• Financial professionals aren’t “one-size-fits-all.” Get help with finding one that’s right for you, here.
• Wealth is about more than just dollars and cents. Learn about the five types of wealth and how investing in each of them can help you build your dream life.